hey.

Hey hey hey heyyyyyyy :) ! So it is 11.30pm and I have finally plucked up the courage to post this post. This is going to be a bit of a different kind of post than what I usually share but I have been wanting to write it for a little while now. I have just been too self conscious. Now lets get down to business because I'm totally dramatising something that isn't even that bad.

Anywayyyyy....I'm finally booked in for a dentist appointment next Wednesday. This is a big deal for me because I have been putting it off for months, maybe even longer than a year! It got to the point where George had had enough and booked the appointment for me (more on this later). The thing is, I have been dealing with an absolutely horrendous tooth for so long I can hardly remember when the pain started. I've previously had root canal on it (back in England) but the pain & sensitivity has remained quite prominently. It's not an every day, excruciating kind of pain though, it's more of an underlying, extremely consistent and stubborn kind of pain. I am self diagnosing here, but I am pretty sure it has lead to extreme jaw aches which leads to extremeeeely annoying head aches/pain!

It turns out that I might seem to cope well on a day-to-day basis, but I become more and more of a basket case as the week goes on. Not externally though (as in no one would really notice). And not a basket case in terms of throwing my toys out of the pram and having a complete melt-down, more in the sense that I find myself not being able to concentrate on something for more than approximately 3-5 minutes which obviously makes me ridiculously pathetic at being productive and then leads to me being extremelyyyyyyy frustrated with myself and then the jaw/head pain will only intensify. It's a vicious circle. By 4-5pm I feel like I have a thick fog circling around the space between my eyes and it just can't go away. 

Most of the time a good nights sleep will sort me out for majority of the next day, but now I have come to realise that I am clenching my jaw in my sleep and will wake up in pain. Starting the day in pain is nottttttttttt good. 

Anyway.....you will 100% think I am crazy but with all this annoying, nagging, liveable but uncomfortable pain, I have randomly drifted off to wondering WHY I haven't sorted this bulls**t out yet! And it is the same as last time I had something worrying me (perhaps I need to get my thyroid checked ha) in the health department.....I am an absolute terrified nervous-wreck when I am not feeling 100%. It's like all I can think about is the terrible, awful, most horrendous things that could be wrong with me and I start to think that if I go see the doctor/dentist/whoeverrrrr it may be, they will tell me I am dying. Ha! It sounds crazayyyy when I type it out but it is seriously what goes through my head so.many.times.a.day. 

I am totally & utterly completely terrified of death. I'm not sure if it's something most 25 year olds find themselves worrying about but I feel like I have always worried about it. It could be because I feel I really do value what I have and what I am surrounded by so so so so incredibly much. There is nothing more I want in this world than to grow old with George, have beautiful little babies with him and then see our children have children of their own. I am not afraid of growing old in the slightest, I'm more afraid that I won't get to. "A lot to lose" has never felt more true.

Plus...as we grow up, we experience extreme heartache and loss first-hand. On top of that, I feel I am bombarded with these absolutely heartbreaking stories through social media and the internet. When I read a headline (I often can't bring myself to read the whole story) of someone's struggle to fight a terminal illness I am left thinking "why them and why not me?". Because if it can happen to them, it can happen to me or to anyone. I get daily reminders from my own crazy mind on just how fragile life is and it scaressssss me! 

I do recognise that this fear of mine does have it's positives. I believe that it is because of this fear that I am fiercely obsessed with living for the moment and living every day as intentionally as I can. It means that countless times a day, when I am outside in the fresh air, I will actually stop and breathe a couple deep breaths and truly let my appreciation for life sink in. 

I've been tossing up back and forth for weeks about if I should share this or not. I am not an open person in regards to my weaknesses or vulnerabilities (I'll always think of people who are much worse off than me and tell myself to get over it), I hate confrontation and I'll only ever cry in front of my family (and that's rare itself). So the fact that I have finally put these thoughts down keyboard-to-laptop-screen is absolutely massssssive to me (perhaps the late hour and 3 glasses of wine have helped haha). In any sense, I already feel a sense of relief in getting these feelings out....isn't it weird how that happens! 

In going along with that sense of relief, here are a few other fears that I hope will disappear after I click 'publish' on this post: 

  • Having difficulty getting pregnant/NOT getting pregnant. I actually can not fricking wait to be a mum! I feel like it is my trueeeeeeeest of true true true callings in life. I also cannot wait for George to be a dad! It all makes me so extremely excited. The idea of that not happening freaks me our like nothing else. But...we are puppy parents now so that's something ;)

  • I fear I'll always be 'mediocre' professionally. I feel I've had roughly the same dream for yearssssssss and sometimes it frustrate me like nothing else. I know I am getting better at going after what I want in my 'career' but the idea of never really getting to where I want to be scares me.  

  • This is a super small & pathetic fear but I absolutely despise talking on the phone. Not to every single person but I would really rather messaging someone or face-to-face contact. That explains why George booked that dentist appointment for me ;)

So there we go. My mind is mildly crazy haha! But it does feel weirdly good to expose it's crazy parts.

I also am starting to think that my lack of blogging has been because I have been dying to write this post but haven't known how to start it. I felt that blogging about what I was getting up to day-to-day/over the weekend or blogging for the sake of blogging felt a bit like a farce until I could get out what I realllly wanted to share. 

If I can sort my productivity levels out then I'll be back to normal blogging scheduling and that is a GREAT thing because there is so much excitement happening for me/us at the moment and I can't wait to share it all. 

Fingers crossed my dentist appointment next week goes smoothly and that wretched tooth/jaw/head/life gets sorted out for good! 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :) :) :) :)

bungan beach.

Pretty much every weekend (during the summer months), I have been driving past this beach without realising! I had heard of it seeing as it's the beach where my old school went to for surf lifesaving, but I had never actually been there. 

Then over the weekend, George and I found ourselves up on the northern beaches again and after a little brunch sesh we went on an adventure through all the beautiful windy cliffside roads. We parked our car at the top of the cliff and decided we would check out Bungan and go for a stroll/semi-dip in the water. And....ohhhh my goodness I am so happy we did! 

After living and being brought up in Sydney, it's not often that I will lose my shit over a beach. But this one took me by the best surprise of all time! Don't you love it when that happens? When you think you've seen all that a place can offer until something out of nowhere completely blows you away?! 

You can only access this beach by foot, theres no by-the-sand-parking. This makes it all the more amazing. To get there, you walk through an enchanted oasis of beautiful ocean-side bush, before coming out onto pristine sand and sea.

Once we got there, George and I strolled from one end to the other before laying back on the sand to truly appreciate the moment (and to take a selfie haha!). It was such a fun spring Sunday Sydney adventure. I think I'll be seeing a lot more of this beach over the summer :) :)

winston.

MEET WINSTON!

Sooooo this was a sneaky little surprise and the best kind of spontaneity! On Monday afternoon, George rang to say that when I pick him up from the station later that day, he would be joined with two of our friends who were going to check out a litter of Jug (Jack Russell x Pug) puppies not far from our house. I wasn't going to go with them. I was going to pick them up, drop myself off back home and then get George to drive them (I made that boring line of "I've got so much do to..bla bla blah") to the house full of puppies. However, it wasn't hard to persuade me into going though. All George had to say was "let's go play with some puppies" and I was done for but the thought of coming home with a puppy didn't even cross my mind....haha silly me!

George and I instantly fell in love with little Winston (puppy no name at this point)! I couldn't put him down. He was absolutely absurdly adorable! George and I had a mini conversation about how he is the perfect breed for us and our current life situation (unlike last time) and started chatting over a couple of the logistics before telling the owner that we would be in contact later that night to confirm if we will be coming back to get him. We just had to get past dad (seeing as we live with my parents and have Russell & Archie to think about as well) (mum is a huge softie so she will always jump at the chance of getting another dog).

It took a little while to get it signed off by dad. He wasn't too keen at first, but when we showed him photos and said that we had to make a quick decision before he was given to someone else, he was on board. We rang the breeder immediately (after a little victory puppy-dance....I felt like I was a teenager again after being told I was allowed to go to a mildly scandalous house party haha) and arranged to pick him up the following morning.

After dropping George at the train station the next morning, mum and I went to get him and bring him home! He just the best thing ever and we are all obsessed with him (apart from Russell and Archie who are still very confused/nervous/worried that their whole world has just been destroyed by a tiny puppy....but they are getting extra treats and cuddles :) so they aren't hating it tooooo much). Yay Winston!! :) :) 

scenes from the northern beaches.

The northern beaches are our second home. You'll find us chilling out on Whale Beach at least one day of the weekend! I may be biased, but I personally think that they are the best beaches in Sydney. You can't access the northern beaches by train (only by pretty unreliable and long bus routes) so that means it feels relatively untouched compared to many other parts of Sydney. This = perfection! :) 

I've been spending even more time there recently, and have broadened my northern beaches horizons to new parts I haven't been to, or haven't been to for years. Last Friday, dad and I went to check out The Beaches Market at Pittwater Rugby Park to pick up fresh ingredients for What To Cook Tonight (we ended up making this recipe). It was such an awesome way to start the day. Something has to be said for being surrounded by pure freshness; fresh produce, fresh salty air, fresh ocean scent...it was just beautiful and so inspiring! We are planning on making it a regular market visit! 

Then on Saturday, George and I got up early and drove to our friend, Treena's house in Narrabeen! Treena took George, me and her sister, Shanna, out for an amazing adventure all along the headland. If that is not the best way to start the weekend then I do not know what is :) - We came back, Treendog whipped up some smoothies for us and we took them down to the beach and sipped on them with our feet in the water. It was so refreshing! (It was so hot!!). 

Treena had to rush off at 10.30am to go bridesmaid dress shopping, so George and I drove on up to Whale Beach to meet Mum and Dad for a chill on our fave before an early arvo storm rolled in! What do you do in that situation? You head to Cranky Fins for fresh fish tacos & wine! Cranky Fins is just sublime! 

Put that altogether and you realise that the Northern beaches is where it's at!! :) If you're visiting Sydney and have an extra day or two (it's quite far from the city when you've only got limited days and obviously need to visit Manly & Bondi), I highly highly highly recommend making the trip up to this awesome part of the world! Hire a car and just drive up the coast, stopping at all the beaches on the way and then end up at Cranky Fins for a late lunch or early dinner! 

P.s Check out what we got up to on the Sunday of our weekend here! 

wahroonga food + wine festival.

These are my ideal kind of sundays! Hot & sunny, food & wine, husband & family & friends...the best! Plus we actually live in Wahroonga so this was the definition of local! Absolute perfection! 

After a big long Sunday morning walk around the neighbourhood, we made our way to the beautiful leafy Wahroonga park! This was the second year for the Wahroonga Food & Wine Festival (see last years festival here) and we were greeted with 30+c weather, George's presence (last year he had to study), and 50+ market & wine tasting stalls. 

We started the day by wondering around the wine stalls and tasted 12 different types (mainly crisp whites & roses because it was so hot) before we purchased 2 bottles of sparkling rose to have with our lunch. So next it was onto wandering around the food stalls and we got a combination of chicken tacos, dumplings, fried noodles & curry to enjoy with the refreshing wine. 

After another stroll around all the stalls, we purchased some fresh produce before heading over to our friends house for a much needed pool sesh! Then it was home for pizza & wine. Sunday per-bloody-fection :) :) :) 

How was your Sunday/weekend in general? :)